>> Dec. 1999
Sheryl's Personal Journal
December 15, 1999
I took yesterday off work. I was able to spend about 2 hours on the phone with RM. It was nice talking to him, and in fact, we pretty much spent the whole day together talking on AIM as well as the phone. Sometimes we're like a married couple. Although we've only seen each other four times, it feels like we've been together forever. He can be so exasperating at times. But I think that is because he is a man. I've never met a man yet who wasn't a real pain sometimes.
RM is working on a web project that he asked me to help him with. There is nothing I would like better than to help him out with this, but I can't commit to a time schedule. I can get things done by a certain time, but to be able to say "I can spend from this time to this time with you working on this" is impossible. Yesterday I found out he asked SueW to help him out. I went ballistic. She is an old friend of his who admitted to both of us that she was in love with him and she did all she could to split us up (mostly by making her relationship with him appear to be more than it was. Naturally, she turned on the feminine charm with him and told him that it was all my imagination and she would never do anything to hurt him. And he's a man, so of course he fell for it.)
Most of our phone call was straightening that out. I told him I thought she was evil and there is no way I would work with her. He had offered to pay me for my time. Ha. Like he can afford it! I already make 4 times what he does! I don't want or need his money! I told him if he insisted on paying me, to send $5 an hour for my time to a homeless shelter.
December 27, 1999
Christmas was nice this year. Much better than last year. Last year I was so depressed and just wanted to crawl into a hole and die. I don't know why I feel better this year. Maybe because some of the things that were bothering me last year have been resolved this year.
One of the things that caused my depression last year was the relationship I was beginning with RM. I knew I shouldn't get into it, and knew there was a time that I had to pull back, but the thrill of online love drew me in. I thought also that it would be short-lived and here it is a year later. In fact, his wife is going to be in town this week and he's driving in to join her on Wednesday. But he is going to stop and we're going to have lunch together first.
I almost broke up with him a month ago. I did, in fact, but changed my mind. Or he talked me out of it. I just couldn't do it. I'm not sure how I love him, but I know I do. He is my confidante, I love talking to him and I feel comfortable telling him anything. I didn't want to lose that. I'm not sure I want to sleep with him again, and eventually I'll have to make a decision because he won't wait forever. He doesn't even know I am having these doubts.
DS and I had a nice Christmas together. He can be so sweet. I really DO love him with all my heart and soul. He even made love to me the other night. First time since May. (And before that it was last year in November.)
In case you would like to comment on any of this, I can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org