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Dec. 1999

Sheryl's Personal Journal
January, 2000

January 14, 2000

RM and I almost broke up again. Every time I talk to him I seem to end up angry. We seem to have either too much or too little in common. I just can't tell.

Because he likes BBWs he is always getting on me about my wanting to lose weight. He constantly argues that weight doesn't necessarily affect health. Now that I have found out I am diabetic, it is imperative that I lose weight.

Sometimes he makes me so angry - I wonder why I even bother with this relationship. When I measure the risks against the rewards the risks far outweigh the rewards.

<sigh> But I just can't let him go. Maybe it's just an ego thing. Maybe I need someone who can accept me for who I am, flaws and all. DS doesn't seem much interested in me physically and I really need that.

January 21, 2000

RM sent me the sweetest love letter:

Hi Baby :-)

I'm sitting here fiddling with the post-thread associations here in the reading/posting. No wonder no one else has done this kind of thing before. It's tricky :-) But I love doing things that no one's done before, or at least in a way that they've never done.

Hmm. I like loving you in a way that I don't think anyone's done before. I really want to be your perfect lover. I don't want to try so hard that it places pressure on you . . . but I want to do it for "us." That magical light in the sky which floods my heart whenever I close my eyes and dream of you :-)

Please don't feel pressure from me. I only want you to open your heart to me and be mine, in whatever way you can. I feel that there are so many walls between us that can and will vanish in the coming months, as spring moves forward.

You know, we both love the sun. And the summmer. Your soul and mine aren't too far apart, when it comes to the clock of the seasons. I say this because you once told me that you loved to get very dark. And I know you find my skin pleasurable.

I want to be the sun in your life. The brightness that makes the darkness irrelevant. I want your heart and your love to be open to me once more, to flow and ebb with passion and desire. And I feel so hopeful that it will happen again.

Because I feel in my heart that we've rejuvenated ourselves. I know that you're still going through so many hard times. That the pressures which weigh upon you press down so heavily.

Let me lighten your load. Let me be your cherished lover once again. I'll do anything, now that I have you back. To be yours, body and soul.

I love you so much. :-)


P.S.: I know you're busy. You don't have to reply. I just felt like writing you a love letter :-)

We had come close to breaking up again. Mainly because of past experiences, we weren't giving each other the benefit of the doubt - we were reading hostility into what each of us was saying and it was causing too many problems. At one point he sent me a letter telling me he was ready to accept that it was over if that was what I wanted. After several emails and heart-to-heart chats, we came to an understanding that we would both make an effort to try not to be quite so reactionary. I sent him this card:

January 24, 2000

I'm so glad RM and I didn't break up. I can't wait to see him again. I wish work wasn't so intense right now. I'd take a personal day and drive down to see him. Having almost lost him, I realize how important he is to me. My body aches to be near his.


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