>> Mar. 2000
Sheryl's Personal Journal
March 8, 2000
Got my review yesterday. Most were "Met expectations" with one "Did not meet expectations" - which was the server upgrade. Oh well
RM and I seem to get into quite a number of "let's analyze our relationship so I can tell you where you need to improve your behavior" discussions (the 'you' being me.) We got into one such discussion yesterday. I swear I don't know why we have to go through that so much. I am not married to him, I can't make any promises, I can't make a lifetime committment.
I think the real problem is that I've settled into the reality of what our relationship is. An illicit affair that is mostly friendship. We are not soul mates. In fact, one of the advantages to our relationship is that we are both married, we've both agreed our marriages come first, so I don't feel like I have to worry about him wanting to "spend the rest of his life" with me. Because quite frankly, I couldn't live with him.
So what is the deal with my feelings anyway? Is he a boy toy that I'm starting to grow weary of?
I don't think it's that. Actually, I think it's a number of things that started with our June 24 meeting.
A Little History - First Meeting
RM and I had our first meeting on March 8, 1999. I drove to his town. I was so excited - the closer I got to his town, the more excited I got. I was so madly head over heels in love with him that I was sure it wouldn't matter if he looked like Quasimoto - I was so in love with who he was.
I had the advantage in that I got the hotel room, called him to let him know I was there, and could watch out the window for him. I knew to look for his small white car. While I was waiting, I made a pot of coffee. I knew that RM was into "wet sex" and I wasn't sure I would be comfortable with it. I also wasn't sure I knew what to do when he arrived. This was the first time I had ever met an online lover strictly for sex.
While drinking a cup of coffee, I paced the room with my shoes on, my shoes off, not being able to decide which to do. Considering he is 9 inches taller than me, I decided to leave them on.
I sat on the bed looking out the window. Finally, his car pulled up. When he got out of his car I was a bit taken aback because of his appearance. He was kind of balding - the kind of balding that happens on the back of a guy's head. He also had very poor posture (that still bugs me). But I watched the hole in the door and when I saw him coming, I opened the door. When he walked in the room, I realized he did look pretty much like his pictures, only now I was seeing him in 3-D instead of 2-D.
We hugged and kissed - whispered "I love you" in each other's ears and told each other we looked exactly like our pictures.
I offered him a cup of coffee and we went and sat on the sofa (the room was a "suite" of sorts - just one room, but it had a sofa and coffee table, bed, small eating table, desk and armoire that contained the television.
Most of the rest of it is a daze. I was pretty nervous and don't really remember much. I do remember allowing him to practice some of his mild watersports. He was very gentle and loving, very erotic, and sweet, but the sex just didn't do anything for me.
On the drive back home, I thought that the risk definitely was NOT worth it.
Second Meeting - The botched 3-day
We had an opportunity for a 3-day from March 17 - 19. We were both overjoyed because we had fantasized about waking up in each others' arms. I called VL and asked her if she would cover for me. We planned an elaborate story about how NV and CS were coming into town for a wedding and we all wanted to get together so I was going to VL's house for three days.
DS seemed a little suspicious but not much. I didn't feel totally confident that he was okay with me going off for three days. I didn't even suggest he come with me, which is probably what may have made him feel "weird" about it.
At any rate, I left the house at about noon and arrived at RM's at about 3:00. I was a little nervous about it because we were going to be staying in his house and his wife was out of town. I had this paranoid fear of her coming back early and walking in on us. I also had this paranoid fear of DS finding out. I gave VL RM's pager number and asked her to page me if DS called her.
I called DS at home but he wasn't there. I told him I would call him back later. When I didn't, he called VL's house. VL's husband answered the phone and told DS he had the wrong number. So he immediately didn't think I was really there.
The next day, he called VL's house again. VL was home but didn't answer the phone - she let the machine get it. She paged me. I called her back. DS had just called. I called him and told him we had been sitting outside. I told him that VL's husband hadn't seen me and didn't realize I was there, and he also knows me by my childhood nickname so he really thought DS had the wrong number. I am not sure, but I think DS bought that explanation. We hung up, and DS called right back (VL paged me again). I think it was a test to see if I was really there.
After talking to DS the second time, I got extremely nervous. I thought if I didn't get to VL's house (a 7 hour drive) then I would be busted. Busted meant the end of my marriage.
RM and I took a drive. We tried to visit a museum, but it was closed. We went to a bakery but that was closed, too. I enjoyed the drive but my fear of discovery put a damper on it.
When we got back to his house, I helped him start dinner. He had made Manicotti the day before because I told him one time it was my favorite Italian food. That day he was going to make Chicken breasts. I helped him score the breasts. When he put them on to cook, he thought I needed to be alone so he said he was going to go upstairs and do some work.
The last thing I wanted was to be left alone, in the house he shared with his wife, at his dining room table, while he was upstairs online. The longer he stayed up there, the angrier I got, until I finally decided I might as well just go home.
I started packing up my stuff and got everything stacked up by the front door. He came downstairs after about an hour. I told him I decided it was best if I just go home.
Although I got angry at him for leaving me alone, his thoughts were that I needed to be alone, so he thought he was helping me out. We talked about that at a later date and got it settled.
I packed up my car, kissed him goodbye, and headed home. First I called DS and told him I was about 3 hours from home - I wasn't having fun with CS, NV or VL so I decided to leave.
I arrived home about 3 hours later. I noticed the nervous tension eased the closer I got to home.
When I finally got home, I felt like I had gotten away with it.
While RS and I were together, we had some pretty good sex. Not great, but pretty good. I didn't sleep very well and didn't get the feeling I thought I would of waking up in his arms. We slept on a mattress on the floor in his bedroom. He had put a clear shower curtain over the mattress to protect it from the watersports that I decided to finally reciprocate (much to his joy and surprise). Actually, it was pretty fun. One kind of sex I had never tried (and I've tried a LOT of things!). I didn't feel disgusted by it like I may have in my younger days.
Anyway, the second meeting was better than the first, but I still didn't feel any "chemistry".
Our June 24th meeting - the turning point in our relationship
RM drove to me on June 24, 1999. It was a Saturday - his wife had to be in town for a celebration with her friends, so he came and we spent the day together in a hotel room. I left a note for DS that I was going to be out running errands. I figured I would explain why I was gone all day when I got home, if I needed to, but until that time, I wouldn't worry about it.
We spent the most wonderful 6 hours together. I thought our third meeting was the best and couldn't be topped, but this one was even better. I left the hotel room knowing I was his, mind, body and soul. However, we did have a conversation that left me feeling uncomfortable for a few days. He asked me if I thought we would ever get bored with each other. Then he said "I know this is a taboo subject, but how do you think it would be if we left our spouses and were together?" I am not sure how I answered him, but he was right. It was a taboo subject. One of the first agreements we made with each other was that our marriages would come first. If there was a threat to our marriages, we would end our relationship and get on with our lives. We would never ask the other to leave their spouse to be with us, nor would either of us expect the other to be anything more than we were if one of us split from our spouses. In the weeks that followed, I began to think that RM was going to expect more out of me than I was willing to give. I suspected he was expecting a committment out of me. As I am a person who is realistic about the future, I know I can't promise him anything. I don't know how I will feel about him 10 years, 1 year, 6 months from now. I was uncomfortable in that knowledge. A couple of weeks later, things got weird in a group that we are both part of, and he seemed to go right off the deep end. A couple of people thought he had had a nervous breakdown. He went into a very black depression and closed himself off from everyone. He became suicidal - or at least said he was suicidal. That was one set of baggage I did not need in an extra-marital affair. I didn't want to have to try to cajole him, I didn't want to have to worry that he might really be suicidal. His behavior toward other people became horrific. He would twist the slightest thing and make it monstrous. I couldn't believe the personality change I was seeing. He said he hadn't changed. He said this is who he is. I found that even scarier.
Ever since that time, I've had a difficult time with this relationship. When I compare the risks with the rewards, the risks far outweigh the rewards. There are many rewards - the friendship, the online companionship, the fact that there is someone out there who really loves me. But the risk - losing my marriage. No matter what I may have ever felt for RM, it doesn't even come close to what I feel for DS. When I married DS it felt so *right*. There were a lot of issues but I realized that I was never going to change him. It was the realization that although I could never change him, it didn't mean I was always going to be able to tolerate some of those things.
For instance - when we first got together, he asked me how important I thought sex was in a relationship. It was not my top priority but it wasn't my lowest, either. When he said it wasn't his top priority, I think he was really saying it was his lowest.
I have gained weight since we got together, but I can't hold that as the reason we don't have a sex life. We didn't have a sex life before I gained all the weight.
I have learned I cannot live without sex. I really always thought I would be faithful to DS, and I am surprised at how easy it was for me to begin an affair.
Anyway, I think since the changes that took place starting with our June 24 meeting, I have been unsure about my relationship with RM. I am at the same point I was last year after our second meeting. I feel like we need another meeting to determine if the chemistry is still there, and if it isn't, hang out a "do not resuscitate" sign.
March 28, 2000
RM went to the Caribbean with his wife for a week. He is due back in today or tomorrow.
I think I have come to a realization - our relationship is over. I didn't miss him at all. In fact, the week seemed too short.
Last week, we had another of our "what's wrong with Sheryl" discussions. In it, he said he thought I was making excuses to not be with him (maybe he was right) and that if we weren't together by the end of May, he was going to tell me I had to make some kind of decision - either I want to continue to be his lover or I don't. He said we would always be friends, but if we weren't going to be any more than that, he wanted to start putting out ads.
He tells me he hates when I don't talk about things with him and that I wait until I've made a decision before I talk to him. I guess this will be the last time he has to put up with it. But this time, I think I'll tell him instead of sending him an email.