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  Sheryl's Personal Journal
May, 2000

May 24, 2000

Call me fickle. I can't seem to make up my mind. About a month ago, I ended my relationship with RM. There was no way I was going to go back to it. I didn't end it with a lot of pomp and circumstance. In fact, we had been talking, he said "It's obvious you have no respect for me. . ." and I decided I'd had enough of him. So I left AIM and sent him an email that said "Let's just call it quits. I'm tired of fighting with you."

Well, there were tons and tons of emails back and forth. Finally, on the weekend I agreed to meet him on AIM and talk to him. During that meeting, I realized there may still be feelings there and I needed to find out. We had already planned on meeting on April 26, so I told him I would still drive to where he lives on that date so we could finish our conversation face to face.

When I arrived, we headed for a nature trail so we would walk and talk and be away from civilization. We mostly walked. There were several stopping points that had scenic "overlooks" - and when we stopped at those, we would end up kissing and holding each other. I knew that I loved him and that if we ended our relationship, I was going to miss him and it would make me sad, but that life would go on.

I just wasn't sure I could handle our relationship the way it was going. We were talking foreign languages to each other. There were constant misunderstandings and it was like neither of us could really "hear" what the other person was saying. Or maybe we didn't want to take the time to understand. I know he got frustrated when he didn't think I was "listening" to him and I would get frustrated when he would totally ignore what I was saying and continue on in his tunnel-visioned path.

After the nature trail, we went to a Dog N Suds to talk. (I haven't seen one of those since I was a kid!) I was really tired by then, so I let him do most of the talking. In fact, there was nothing he said that I didn't agree with, so I didn't really respond. He eventually told me I was in a near-catatonic state and some kind of response would be helpful. The one thing he said to me that really still stands out is "Don't judge me so harshly" - I realized I was holding him up to higher standards than anyone else and that any time he made any kind of suggestion or remark, I would shoot it down out-of-hand. I still don't know why I did that unless it was because I resented that he knew so much.

I thought about it a lot in the next few days and decided to treat him like I did when we first met. I did that and since then, things have really been going well. I'm not sure if I feel for him what I did in the beginning, or even how much of what I feel for him. I do know that he loves me like I've never been loved before. I don't understand why. I also know I need to be loved, touched, held, and shown affection. I'm not getting that from DS. He gave me a birthday card that said he loved me even though he has a hard time showing it, but my body craves physical affection, and written words just don't cut it.

So. . .I am going to see him next weekend. In fact, I have every other Friday off for the next four weeks and haven't told DS about it. I will see RM on as many of those Fridays as I can.

May 25, 2000

Out of nowhere yesterday RM told me he thought he was going through another depression. I'm not sure what brought it on - maybe my most recent employment offer brought him down. Here I am without a college degree and making way more than he is and highly respected at what I do. The more I talk of my successes, I think the more he feels like a failure.

I am reading a book about two women who are best friends and share secrets. One of them has a brief affair with the other's husband. Seven years later, she finds out her seven year old son has cystic fibrosis, and that both parents have to be carriers in order to transfer the disease to the child. It turns out her husband is not the father, but her best friend's husband is. She tells her husband and later talks to her best friend and her husband. Her whole world comes crashing down around her. Her husband leaves her and refuses to consider the little boy he raised for the past seven years as his son. I could feel her pain. It made me realize what I had to lose.

But I can't go on living without any intimacy. At least I have that with RM. I could never live with RM and I don't love him in the same way I love DS, but he gives me something I need. Is it worth the risk? I don't know.

Anyway, now I'm beginning to feel a little depressed.

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